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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 16, 2011 2:30am-3:05am PDT

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>> jon: that's our show. by way, if you're hanging around this weekend and you're looking for something to do, cinematically our own olivia mum is in a movie coming out this weekend. it's called "avatar." "avatar, 2, the pan dorring." actually, it's called "i don't know how she does it." although i do, because i'm familiar, obviously, with the film process. here it is, your moment of zen. >> it's so important we-- we-- we invest in solyndra and in what solyndra is doing, not just to get us through the day but to
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, $2 billion goes missing from a major bank. they should have just cape cod it to the desk like their pens. and my guest tonight is legendary magician david copperfield-- i'm sorry, i mispronounced that. it's david cooper-field. the proof is in the pudding, but good luck finding where i hid the pudding ( laughter ) this is the "colbert report ) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you so much for joining us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: tell you, what, folks, i'll tell you what, folkes, i had not planned on this, but since you just cheered my name, let's do a good show. ( laughter ) ( applause ) nation, i know in shaky financial times, people look to me for guidance. ( laughter ) they look at me for pleasure, but to me for guidance. so i just want to start tonight by reassuring investors and calming the markets. for starters, everybody close your eyes, take a deep breath, and just pretend there is no place called greece. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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we're all going to die! second, i want to address those of you who are concerned because swiss financial giant ubs reported yesterday that they lost over $2 billion from rogue trades. now, while that may sound like a lot, keep in mind it's a fraction of the $17 billion they lost through authorized trades ( laughter ) so things are looking up. okay, they're pulling it out of their ( bleep ). most importantly, ubs stated, "no client money was involved." okay? so if you're with ubs, it wasn't your . it was just laying around, you be. maybe-- maybe in the banks, take a billion-leave a billion trade. and while this rogue trader was doing this from a computer terminal, i am sure ubs protects access to your retirement
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account with an uncrackable password like ubs pass word. or ubspassword 1. how could something like this happen? i ask the television. >> what could be the motive? maybe intentional fraud. it could be basic stupidity, or it could be known as fast fingers. maybe the trader hit a wrong button. >> stephen: i can sympathize are that. other day i meant to dial 411, but instead i lost $2 billion. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now the good news, it can happen to anybody. the good news is, the good news is they've already arrested the rogue trader, 31-year-old quakeo abdubole, seen here safely contained in a calvin klein ad. folkes, as scared as we all might be for our savings i want to point out the real victim here-- ubs.
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they've announced this incident will result in a net loss for the third quarter. but i am confident that ubs will earn back every dollar way banks always do-- by rolling up their sleeves and raising your a.t.m. fees ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, i gotta say, i love the american jobs act. no, jimmy, jimmy, not obama's bill. that thing is a heat-seeking turd. no. ( laughter ) i am talking about the other american jobs act reulosed yesterday by texas republican congressman and tequila worm stunt double louie gohmert. you see, despite running around with their hair on fire, the president and the democrats forgot to file their bill with the house of representatives. so gentlemanert got there first and filed his own bill with the exact same they will it's american jobs act. that's what political stiffs call a parliamentary ( bleep ) block.
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( laughter ) and i gotta tell you i have a copy of it right here. gohmert's american jobs act has everything. it includes corporate tax cuts... and that's it ( laughter ) gohmerit boldly drops corporate tax rates from 35% to 0%. now, 0% may sound pretty low, but that is still more than g.e. paid last year ( laughter ) folkes, you believe cutting the corporate tax-- ( coughing ) i'm sorry, i-- ahem. i'm sorry. i apologize. we need to-- ( coughing ) ( clearing throat." i'm sorry, my throat is scratchy. i can get tea or something like that, please? >> you got it, buddy ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jimmy fallon! >> hey, man! good to see you! >> stephen: wow!
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( cheers and applause ) jimmy! jimmy fallon. i got a-- hey, jimmy, what on earth are you doing here? >> jimmy! jim! jimmy! jimmy! >> i understand the impulse. that's my best friend for six months there. i have scratchy throat, what are you doing here? >> i didn't want my best friend for six months to have a scratchy throat so i got your favorite-- jasmine pomegranate zinger. >> stephen: jimmy, you're the best. >> no, you're best. >> tickle fight? >> stephen: tickle fight come on! ( laughter ) ( applause ) it sure is fun. i mean, being best friends for six months is the best six months i've ever been friends ( laughter ) so gret. >> even the fact we're nominated in the same category for emmys this weekend can't come between us. i hope you get it. >> stephen: yeah! ( applause )
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>> we've had so much fun i just wish there was some way we could share all of our fun, private memories with the audience. >> stephen: i know, we can use my pensieve. come on, jimmy fallon. come on over here. first, first, let's just use our wands to pour in our memories. ( applause ) ( cheers ) all right, let's get ready. let's go! ♪ ♪ oh! oh! jimmy, jimmy! remember riding that bicycle built for two! >> it was fun! >> stephen: yeah. >> hey, do you remember that time we rode the ferris wheel? >> stephen: yeah, oh, oh, jimmy, remember that time we rode that bicycle built for two on a ferris wheel? >> that was dangerous.
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>> stephen: very dangerous. >> yeah. how come your memories don't move? >> stephen: well, it would be way more expensive ( laughter ) ( applause ). and it's kind a technical nightmare, evidently. >> yeah. here's the thunder party where we stayed up all night long! >> stephen: we almost stayed up late enough to watch your show! >> so close, man! >there we are,killing that drif? >> jim:y, jimmy, you mean discovering the body of that drift eright? >> right. >> stephen: good times! ( cheers and applause ) wow! we have had so much fun, right? >> yeah. i wish that we could stay best friends for six months forever. >> stephen: me, too, but a deal is a deal, jimmy. we're only best friends until october 3. >> wait a minute.
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we became friends on march 3. >> stephen: yeah. >> sothat means it ends on-- >> wait a second. >> march. >> stephen: april. >> hot one. >> other one. >> stephen: september 3! >> oh, my god. we're no longer best friends. ( laughter ). >> stephen: it's over, jimmy. i just realized i haven't liked you for 12 days. ( laughter ) >> i can't believe i got these amulets made where each of us have one half of a chinese coin with a character for friendship on it. >> stephen: take it back! >> i don't want it. >> stephen: me, neither. you take yours back! we are now eternal enemies forever! >> i don't know, forever is a pretty long time. >> stephen: six months. >> deal! >> stephen: we are now eternal enemies for six months. i hate you, jimmy fallon! you are a terrible person! >> you're the one that killed that drifter! >> stephen: you dared me! you said it would make you
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giggle! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> fine! i'll see you in hell! also at the emmies this sunday. >> stephen: yeah, hey, good luck, bud. >> good luck to you. >> stephen: now get out! >> i'm leaving! >> stephen: kimmy! ( laughter ) ( applause ) don't... leave that way. the door's over there. ( laughter ) don't let it hit you on the way out. >> oh! ( laughter ). >> stephen: i feel like there's a hole in my heart in the shape of jimmy fallon. ( laughter ) >> stephen. >> stephen: what? >> do you need a best friend. ( cheers and applause )
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i have a new syndicated talk show every wednesday,. >> stephen: too soon, anderson. too soon. you can not see that i am hurting! >> i-- i can heal your hurt. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: we'll be right back. lawye
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. folks, the national oceanic and atmospheric administration recently confirmed this has been
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the worst year for disasters in u.s. history. from the tornadoes in missouri to the hurricane irene, to newt gingrich's presidential campaign-- luckily his staff evacuated months ago ( laughter ) so it has been a bit of a busy year for fema. now, folks, you know i've never been a fan of federal emergency management. who is the government to tell me my house has become uninhabitable. the raccoons have settled in just fine ( laughter ) but fema has finally done something right. jim. >> time fema revealed they partially gauge the severity of a disaster based on the condition of waffle house restaurant. the agency uses the waffle house index. the chain prides itself on operating during severe natural disasters. fema says if a waffle house location is closed they know the area needs aid. ( laughter ). >> stephen: yes, the waffle house index. because in america, it is only a disaster once it disrupts our
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supply of chicken-fried meats ( laughter ) now, fema ranks an area's post-disaster condition based on a three-color scale. green means the waffle house is open and serving a full menu, okay, like this one right here. okay? the waffle house being able to serve their full menu is a sign that damage in the area is limited, and that lipitor is prevent will-- plentiful. yellow means the waffle house is offering only a limited menu, or this, their photo menu, indicating area residents probably have limited power and food, or are too drunk to read. ( laughter ) okay, now, red is a sign of severe damage. waffle house is closed or in the example of post-katrina mississippi, reduced to nothing but a slab. by the way, nothing but a slab
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is how you order the chicken-fried meat. folks, it is no accident the waffle house has become fema's syrup-smothered canary in a coal mine. also, available on the menu. ( laughter ) ( applause ) after hurricane katrina, when restaurants that reopened quickly were swamped with customers, waffle house executives developed a manual for opening after a disaster, bulked up on portable generatores, bought a mobile command center and gave employees key fobs with emotional contacts. not to mention their strategy of slowly turning their customers into flotation devices. bu, folks, as much as i think it's a good move by fema, i say we cut out the government middle man and put the waffle house in charge of all our emergency operations ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) these people have been drunk at 3 a.m. ( laughter )
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for instance, did you know in a flood zone, short stacks also double as sandbags ( laughter ) and somehow, 60,000 of them still cost just $2.99 with your choice of chicken-fried meat. i say better to go with a sovereign american waffle house than the u.n.'s humanitarian breakfast response-- the international house of pancakes ( laughter ) ( applause ). they will just pass a useless, nonbinding resolution declaring disaster rooty tooty, not so fresh and fruity. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is a legendary magician who i hope can put back together the intern i saw in half. please welcome david copperfield! ( cheers and applause )
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hey, good to see you. welcome to show, sir. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: now you're not just any magician. are you an illusionist of over 30 years. you walked through the great wall of china. you flew over grand canyon. you went over niagara in a raft. >> i did. >> stephen: you were declared a living legend by the library of congress. you have been knighted by the french. over 20 emmys. a star on the hollywood walk of fame. >> thank you. >> stephen: and you have just been named the first-ever king of magic and magician of the century by american society of magicians ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: does a great responsibility come with being king of magicians? >> i suppose. it's very humbling thing. i have to work harder now. >> stephen: you absolutely do. as king of magicians, if the peasants revolt and they cut off your head, can you magically put
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it back on? ( laughter ). >> yes, restivation part of my repertoire. that's true. i used to do death saw illusion where i cut myself in half and put myself back together and i'm still here. >> stephen: and the makeup has covered scars. now, you have also written the forward to a new book printed by the national geographic called request brain works." >> yes. >> stephen: "mind-bending science of what you see and how you think and you who are you." what is science of how we see, what you, and who we are? >> i'm confused, actually, right now ( laughter ) but i think, you know, it's really for me about perception. magicians use your perception and use your brain to misdirect, focus attention and make magic happen, look effortless. >> stephen: as far as i can tell, what magicians do is they lie. and i don't mean this in a bad way, but you, sir, are the king of liars, okay all right? you said that woman was sawed in half and she's not sahd in half anymore.
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you lied to me. >> thank you. >> stephen: how is that not lying? >> it's not lying because i call myself an illusionist. it says so, illusionist, so i'm an honest deceiver. i'm -- >> stephen: you're telling me you're lying. >> i'm a liar. therefore, i'm not lying. >> stephen: should is what i don't understand about how brain works -- why do i enjoy that you're deceiving me? ( laughter ) people pay big money. you're a big star because you're good at deceiving people. why does that excite us? >> i think we need to dream. i think the public really needs to be transported. they need comedy. they need music. they need drama. they need movies and i do a live movie every night on stage, basically. >> stephen: you do a live movie ever night? >> i'm being metaphorical, but, yes -- >> stephen: metaphores, also lies. you lied to me. you said movie. you're a liar. >> you're right, i agree. >> stephen: again, you're a guest and i don't want to insult you. >> you did insult me buthat's okay. i am lying but i tell you i'm
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lying upfront. therefore, it's not really a lie. >> stephen: you say here, you say closer we look thea people, the closer we look at things, less we see. i don't look thea things at all ( laughter ) does that mean i see everything? ( laughter ). >> i think perception is we take people and if i focus-- who-- if i have something very interesting over here, you're not going to look at this over here. who is your hero? give me biggest hero you have? >> stephen: i don't know his name but i shave him every morning. is he here? here's what i don't understand about what we know and what we don't know, okay? this is a problem that's been happening to me since i was a kid. i have a problem with money. if i-- if i have one coin in my hand, all right, if i have one coin in my hand, that's okay. but if i put another coin in my hand and then just close my hand. >> two coins. >> stephen: yeah. but for some reason when i do that i only have one coin left in my hand ( cheers and applause )
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why-- why is that, david copperfield? what has my-- what has my brai brain-- what does my brain do? >> this is very good because you're that good. and whether you use your brain or not, magic still happens because you're that good. >> stephen: thank you. i'm good enough to fool me. >> yes, because you practice things to point where it becomes habit, and then you actually-- your brain isn't important. >> stephen: i agree. ( laughter ) is there such a thing as gut magic? >> there is. >> stephen: don't use my brain. there's gut magic? what is gut magic? >> it's if i take the coin and put it in the air. that's gut magic. you got a reaction. >> stephen: david copperfield, could you be dumbledorf? that was really good. ( laughter ) last question, you made-- you once made the statue of liberty disappear. >> yes. >> stephen: in the 1980s. >> yes.
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>> stephen: okay. can i give you some advice? >> yes. >> stephen: don't try that now. ( laughter ) ( applause ) or i think you might disappear. and reappear magically in guantanamo bay. ( laughter ) ( applause ) david copperfield. thank you so much. david copperfield. the book is "bane works" and he is the king of
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>> stephen: well that's it for the report. before we go, one last trick.
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i want you to think of the ace of hearts. have it? keep it in your mind. is this your card? ( laughter ) [phone ringing] you've reached the home of leonard nimoy. anybody but bill shatner please leave a message. [beep] uh, this is william shatner. leonard, will you pick up? i want to invite you to the roast. it's gonna be fantastic. pick up the phone, leonard. hello? leonard! billy. great. bill, are you in trouble? what are you-- i saw something on tv about your toast. roast, you idiot. turn up the sound on your hearing aid.
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oh, bill, those roasts are terrible. you shouldn't be--that's not for a dignified person like you. a roast is for a pig. i'm not dignified. it's a celebration, you know? and i want you to be part of it. why are you doing this? is it for the food? what is it? leonard, it's a roast. they got a bunch of comedians nobody's ever heard of. a few b-level celebrities i've never met... bill. some train wreck in a dress who used to be hot. bill, i'm not gonna do this. and everybody makes fun of me. it's gonna be so much...fun. i think. billy, let me tell you something. you know how much i love you. yeah, yeah. you're like a brother to me. i know. and i consider you a very important person. well, i'm really moved. i really am. i really admire what you've done with your career. are you reading this? no, i'm talking to you as a human being, schmuck! now, listen to me. i'm gonna do you a big favor. yeah, what's the favor? i will not roast you. oh, leonard, come on. the answer is no. i care about you too much, bill. oh, leonard, i'm-- bill? yeah? live long, prosper.
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oh, live long and prosper. i love you. i love your family. give them all my best. oh, i'll do that. thank you, leonard. you're welcome. take care. pointy-eared pussy. eat my balls. what? i'm still on the phone! does that mean you've reconsidered? get out of my life! douche bag. i am...t.j. hooker. james t. kirk. will you calm down? energize. there's a man out there. 4 adam 30, pursuit terminated. mr. tambourine man! kahn! (male announcer) it's the comedy central roast of william shatner. with your roast master... and roasters...

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